You can hear someone’s words without listening actively, but this typically isn’t the route to effective communication.
很可能，你经历过一些在active listening yourself.
Maybe you’ve tried to vent to a friend about difficulties at work while they kept their eyes on their phone, occasionally holding it up to show you their latest Tinder match. They said “Huh” or “Wow” or “That sucks” in mostly the right places, but you still didn’t feel as if they really understood your struggles.
Active listening requires more than open ears — it involves actually engaging with the speaker by showing empathy and support. It shows you care about what the other person has to say, and signals that you’ll come away with an understanding that goes below the surface.
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People often try to multitask in order to make the most of their limited time. That’s understandable. Most people are busy. When it comes to active listening, though, you’ll want to show the speaker you’re focusing on them, not your grocery list or social media feed.
Maybe you wouldn’t dream of playing a video game while your partner rants about their压力day, but you feel as if you can still listen while doing low-brainpower tasks, like laundry or paperwork.
But even activities that don’t demand your full attention can still divide it, so it’s generally best to put down what you’re doing and fully concentrate on them. Distracted listening can give the speaker the impression their concerns don’t matter.
Paying attention also means:
- Your thoughts stay with them instead of徘徊对于完全无关的东西，就像你的晚餐计划一样。
- You don’t redirect the conversation to yourself. Cutting them off to share your story invalidates their experience.
- You’re not planning your response. If you’re thinking about what you intend to say, you’re not fully listening to whatthey’resaying. You could miss something that requires a completely different reply.
如果你真的无法阻止你在做爱的人想要谈话时，你可能会觉得试图尝试平衡活动。然而，当您在做其他事情时尝试拥有有意义的对话时，您将更有可能最终重点关注两个任务。
A better strategy is to let them know you hear them, explain you aren’t currently available, and make a concrete plan to reconnect. Try something like:
- “这听起来很紧张。我想听到更多，但我现在不自由地谈谈。我可以在几个小时内给你回电话，我可以全神贯注吗？“
你已经表现出来，不要刷掉它们 - 只要你实际重新连接。
你米ay not realize it, but your body plays an important role in沟通。Open, relaxedbody language告诉另一个你参与谈话的人，尚未准备好尽早制作借口。
做
- 面对另一个人。
- Lean in slightly.
- Relax your body, uncrossing your arms and legs to show an attitude of openness.
- 眼神交流。但是，你不需要直接盯着他们的眼睛。一般来说，关注他们的脸部也有助于，因为表达式可以给你更多的线索，以便他们的情绪。
- Nod as you listen.
请记住，您的表达也可以说很多。关心和同情可能会在你的脸上展示很清楚，但试图留意你如何展示其他人emotions。您可能会代表您所爱的人感到沮丧或烦恼，但他们可能会将这一点误解为对他们的沮丧或刺激。
Don’ts
- sighing or yawning
- 滚动眼睛或坐立着
- 望着或检查手机或观看
- 保持一个非常僵硬的姿势或穿过手臂和腿部
镜像或反映某人的动作和手势，可以帮助在对话中建立融洽关系。如果他们倾向于，你可能会这样做。如果他们微笑着摇头，那么你的回答微笑和头部震动有助于让它清楚地关注。它还可以通过发送消息，“我们正在同一级别”。
You probably learned not to interrupt in childhood, but a reminder never hurts.
人们有时会随意打断：
- When your friend tells you something awful their partner did, it’s natural to want to jump in and express your outrage. Your friend might appreciate your show of solidarity, but this interruption could still derail their train of thought and leave them feeling unheard.
- Maybe a few questions come up as your partner explains a difficult family situation. You don’t want to forget your questions, but you also don’t want to focus on them so intently that you pay less attention to your partner. Jot them down, if you can, and wait for a natural pause in the conversation to ask them. They could even answer your questions as they keep talking.
In general, it’s best to avoid cutting in, unless you get too confused and need immediate clarification to continue following the conversation.
当谈话中断时，人们经常有冲动填补沉默的立即回复。沉默不一定是坏事。
你正在倾听，而不是制定回复，所以需要一个时刻或两个来提供深思熟虑的回应是完全理解的。在大多数情况下，另一个人可能会感谢您花时间反思他们的言论并考虑您的想法，因此通常不需要模糊到思想中的第一件事。
如果它有帮助，您可以随时让他们知道您正在花一点时间来收集您的想法。
当你感觉到他们有更多的话，沉默也可以帮助。等待耐心等待让他们有机会为他们已经分享的任何事情提供任何最终思想或扩展。
Reflecting, or paraphrasing, is a key component of active listening, but many people find it a tricky skill to master.
当你解释时，你使用your own wordsto restate what you’ve heard. Note the emphasis on “your own words.” You don’t want to simply repeat what they say. This tells them you listened, yes, but it doesn’t tell them you understand.
说你的妹妹和她的伴侣正试图锻炼一些关系问题。既然你和你的妹妹相处得很好，她不时向你闲逛。有一天她告诉你，“我很沮丧。我拼命地试图work on communicationso we can save this relationship, but it seems like they don’t care one way or the other.”
- 鹦鹉学院might sound something like this: “So, you’re frustrated because you’re trying to communicate but they don’t seem to care about the relationship.”
- 反射另一方面，可能听起来更像是这样的：“听起来你正在努力吸引它们并拥有更高的富有成效的谈话，但是你觉得他们似乎更少投入住在一起。那正确吗？”
鹦鹉学院often sounds flat, and it doesn’t always keep a conversation flowing. Reflecting takes things a step further, since it conveys your understanding while also encouraging them to share more.
有人沟通他们的痛苦或个人挑战不一定想要解决方案。他们可能只是想知道有人听到他们并关心他们正在进行的东西。如果他们不相信你，他们可能不会打开并分享他们的感受。部分地可以尊重这一信任，部分地通过承认他们的情绪是有效的。
A few examples of validating phrases:
- “我想这感觉非常痛苦。”
- “That sounds stressful.”
- “I can see how that would make you feel overwhelmed.”
Maybe you think you would have handled things differently or believe the situation doesn’t warrant the degree of anger or sadness they experience. Even so, stay focused on their perspective instead of questioning their emotions. You can still validate someone when you disagree.
It also helps to avoid getting defensive if their feelings are directed toward you. Maybe you don’t consider the issue significant, but they clearly feel differently. Acknowledging their frustration instead of brushing it off typically leads to more productive communication and解决冲突。Your feelings are valid, too, but you’ll have a chance to share once you fully hear them out.
主动听力是沟通的一部分，旨在进行对话。一些安静的暂停只是很好，但尽量避免让沉默伸展。
While it’s important to listen patiently when someone talks, asking questions when the conversation reaches a natural pause shows your interest and involvement. Here’s where following along pays off. Listening half-heartedly generally means your questions won’t have much depth to them.
Open-ended questions invite the most detail:
- “What did you do after that?”
- “你在发生后感觉如何？”
Questions with one-word answers, like “yes” or “no,” usually don’t offer much insight, especially when you’re了解某人。这些问题也可以给人留下你正在进行的运动，但并不真正关心答案。
Instead of:
- “你这周末过得好吗？”或者“你喜欢这堂课吗？”
尝试：
- “你上周末做了什么？”或者“所以，到目前为止，你怎么看待这个课程？”
Questions also help when you want to make sure you understood someone correctly:
- “It sounds like you’re stressed because your boss completely forgot you volunteered for a big project and gave you another assignment to work on this week. Is that right?”
稍后再回来查看您关心的人的好方法：
- “我只是想着我们在前几天谈到了什么。这对你来说是怎么回事？“
在某些时候，你可能会发现自己听取你根本不同意的东西，但简要抛开自己的意见可以帮助你保持开放的心态。
Maybe your best friend feels wronged by his partner, but from what you’ve heard, it seems pretty clear your friend messed up. Still, you might try (as the saying goes) walking in their shoes. The situation could be more complex than you realize.
Even if it isn’t, and your friend really is the one in the wrong, you can still let them vent without judging their behavior.
It also helps to pay attention to the way you phrase questions. “Why would you do that?” or “What made you say that?” can sound a little judgmental, even when you don’t intend to criticize.
When it comes to advice, telling someone what you think they should do or how you think they should feel almost never helps. It’s generally best to keep your guidance to yourself unless they ask for advice.
If they do ask, try gentle suggestions instead of directives.
Instead of:
- “你应该道歉并做一些很好的事情来弥补发生了什么。”
你米ight try:
- “我想知道道歉可能是一个好的地方吗？也许它会有助于解释你在想什么，然后要求他们的观点。“
Good communication often begins with strong listening skills. You might be listening, but you’re notjust听 - 你积极参与谈话。
开发主动聆听等沟通技巧可以帮助您构建strong relationships并更成功地与他人互动。如果您以其他方式与人的主动聆听或与人联系，那么治疗师可以为加强这些技能提供指导。
水晶雷波孔has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.