“Well, this is awkward.”
Those were the magical words I uttered to my now-husband Dan when we first met. It didn’t help that he initially went in for a hug, whereas I’m firmly a handshake person. But I definitely shocked him with my opening statement.
社交焦虑可以让约会棘手......或者，如果我完全诚实，它会成为一个噩梦。作为讨厌面试的人，我的表现日期从来不会很大。毕竟，第一个日期基本上只是一个非常个人的工作面试 - 除了鸡尾酒（如果你幸运的话）。
For example, some of my closest friends thought I was an ice queen when we first met. If I really like a person — in a romantic way or not — I tend to be aloof and avoid eye contact. I come across as being bored or uninterested, but I’m actually just having an anxious episode. The fear of saying the “wrong thing” or coming across like a loser is all-consuming.
但回到我丈夫的第一次约会：我至少抵达火车站，至少10分钟，出汗的水桶，并在我愚弄自己之前辩论我是否应该离开那里。
But soon enough, I was sat in a bar with him, my temperature running high. I couldn’t take my sweater off because I was sweating so much — no one wants to see sweat stains! My hands were shaking so I couldn’t reach for my glass of wine, in case he’d notice.
担：“告诉我更多关于你所做的事情。”
我（内部）：“Stop looking at me, I need to have a sip of my wine.”
我（外部）：“Oh, I just work in publishing. What do you do?”
担：“Yeah, but, what do you do in publishing?”
我（内部）：“[BLEEP]”
我（外部）：“Nothing much, hahaha!”
At this point, he bent down to tie his shoelace, during which time I literally downed half my glass. This took the edge off my nerves. Not the best solution, but what can you do. Fortunately, he turned out to like me for exactly who I was. I eventually told him about having social anxiety (while locked in a hotel bathroom on vacation … long story). The rest is history.
My experiences have given me a lot of insight into which strategies help — and which strategies definitely don’t help — when it comes to finding a meeting point between an active dating life and living with social anxiety. I hope the following tips can be of help!
I don’t mean admit that you have social anxiety as soon as you meet. I mean be honest about the venue you’d be most comfortable in. For example, if they suggest bowling, dining in a restaurant, or something else that makes you nervous, then say so. Having social anxiety is hard enough without feeling uncomfortable in your surroundings. You don’t have to go into too much detail. Just say something like, “Actually, I’m not a fan of that” or “I’d rather do [X], if that’s okay.”
One of the great things about dating apps is that they give you the option to meet lots of new people. If you find the dating scene nerve-racking, then why not build up your confidence by going on a few practice dates?
I usually say something like, “I’m freaking out … please tell me how amazing I am!”
Being at the venue before your date can give you time to acclimatize and get comfy. But don’t arrive more than 10 minutes early!
Do a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) “Thought Record” in advance to challenge any negative thoughts.
第一个约会绝对不是尝试新发型或化妆的时间。只不过它一切都会出错的可能性会对你的压力水平做足够的事情。只是保持简单。选择让您感到舒适但自信的东西。
在你有社交焦虑的日期会感到令人生畏，但你的焦虑并不需要阻止你生活的生活。采取一些健康的步骤可以使一个不同的世界！
Claire Eastham.is a blogger and the best-selling author of “We’re All Mad Here.” You can connect with her on她的网站或推特她@ClaireyLove.