But it’s not all bad. Here are ways been-there-done-that parents have gotten through the tough stuff.
“在我丈夫汤姆和我生了一个孩子之前，我们真的没有战斗。然后我们生了一个孩子，一直战斗。”Jancee Dunn, a mom and author, who went on to write a book entitled “How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids.” If either part of Dunn’s story sounds familiar — the fighting or the hating — you’re not alone.
Parenthood canreallychange a relationship. After all, you’re stressed, you’re sleep deprived, and you simply can’t put your relationship first anymore — at least not while you’ve got a helpless newborn to care for.
“我们从研究中知道，没有引起关注的关系会变得更糟，”夫妻夫妇的特雷西·罗斯（Tracy K. Ross）说。重新设计关系in New York City. She adds:
“If you do nothing, the relationship will deteriorate — you’ll be co-parents arguing about tasks. You have to put work into the relationship for it to stay the same, and work even harder to improve it.”
That sounds like a lot, especially when you’re already dealing with so much change. But it helps to know that many of the ways your relationship is changing are totally normal and that there are things you can do to work through them.
这些是夫妻成为父母后浪漫关系改变的一些常见方式。
“My husband and I had to take turns sleeping, so… we were hardly talking to each other,” says Jaclyn Langenkamp, a mom in Hilliard, Ohio, who blogs atOne Blessed Mom。“什么时候我们weretalking to each other, it was to say, ‘Go get me a bottle’ or ‘It’s your turn to hold him while I take a shower.’ Our discussions were more like demands, and we were both pretty irritated with each other.”
When you’re caring for a demanding newborn, you simply don’t have the time and energy to do all the things that keep a relationship strong.
“一起茁壮成长时间的关系,ing that other person in your mind and connecting and listening to them,” says Ross. “You have to make it a priority — not the first 6 weeks of baby’s life — but after that you have to make time for your partner, even if it’s small amounts of time to check in with each other and not talk about the child.”
This can mean some logistical planning, like getting a sitter, having a family member watch the baby, or planning on spending some time together after the baby goes down for the night — once they’re sleeping on a more predictable schedule, that is.
This is way easier said than done, but even a short walk around the block together or having dinners together can go a long way in helping keep you and your partner connected and communicating.
Creating that connection will likely look a lot different after having a child. You probably used to spontaneously go on date nights to try that new restaurant or spend the weekend hiking and camping together.
But now, the sense of spontaneity that tends to keep relationships exciting is pretty much out the window. And just preparing for an outing requires logistical planning and prepping (bottles, diaper bags, babysitters, and so much more).
“I think it’s okay to have a period of mourning in which you say goodbye to your old, more footloose life,” says Dunn. “And strategize to think of ways to connect, even in a small way, to your old life. My husband and I take 15 minutes every day to talk aboutanything除了我们的孩子和后勤垃圾，就像我们需要更多纸巾一样。我们尝试一起做新事情 - 它不需要跳伞，它可以尝试一家新餐厅。尝试新事物让我们的生活前生活。”
可以改变您考虑在一起的时间，并成为计划进一步计划的人的类型。哎呀，在日历上互相安排时间，以便您坚持下去。
“Have a plan, but have a realistic plan,” says Ross. “Remind yourself that you’re two adults who spend time together because you like spending time together.”
Langenkamp says she and her husband too, over time, figured out how to make couple time work with a baby.
“While our quality time together may not be the same as it was before our baby was in the picture, we try to be intentional about making time for it,” Langenkamp says. “Instead of a weekend getaway, we have a ‘no chores’ weekend. Instead of going to dinner and a movie, we order dinner in, and watch a Netflix movie. We don’t abandon our parenting duties, but we at least enjoy them — or sometimes just get through them — together.”
And can we please talk about postpartum emotions? Even if you don’t havepostpartum depressionoranxiety, you’re likely to feel a roller coaster of emotions — a whopping
“我希望有人把我拉到一边，告诉我，‘听着，你甚至四处走动，这真的很难。’Pure Direct Pediatrics。
“每个人都为您的夜晚做准备，但没人说，‘哦，您的身体会感觉真的很粗糙。’很难去洗手间。很难起床。穿一条裤子很难。”
So between the hormonal changes, the sleep deprivation, and the stresses that come with a newborn baby, it’s no wonder that you might find yourself snapping at your partner and putting them at the bottom of your priority list.
Know that these symptoms should be temporary — if they don’t seem to be improving, talk to your doctor right away. And in the meantime, do what you can to try to communicate kindly to your partner.
When it comes to sex, you’ve got everything we’ve talked about so far working against you. You have no time, your body’s a mess and you’re annoyed with your partner.
Plus, being covered in spit-up and changing 12 dirty diapers a day doesn’t really put you in the mood. If you’re breastfeeding, you may experiencevaginal dryness这意味着您的愿望可能很少。但是，性是重新连接和花一点时间与伴侣的美好方式。
记住：当涉及性时okay to take it slow。Just because the doctor gave you the green light doesn’t mean you have to rush in.
“One way for couples to ensure that lack of sex doesn’t become permanent is to intentionally make the romantic relationship a priority,” says Lana Banegas, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist practicing atThe Marriage Pointin Marietta, Georgia.
This is another place where all that work you’re doing on communicating with each other and spending time together is important.
弗兰Walfish,大多数家庭和心理的关系therapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent,” warns that “a decrease in sex, foreplay, and intercourse is often symptomatic of poor communication and a gradual wedge that can build between the couple.”
To get back on track in the bedroom, she encourages couples to make time for sex and find ways to do it when their child is home, such as during nap time.
In any relationship, one person may feel more pressure to take on more child-rearing responsibilities than the other. That can leave that person feeling resentful toward the other.
在研究她的书时，邓恩发现“当婴儿在晚上哭泣时，大多数母亲都会烦恼。”但是睡眠研究表明这是一个进化特征。
In
This makes so much sense.
So while one partner might not be试to leave a certain duty to the other person — like getting up with the baby in the middle of the night — it might happen. This is where clearand kindcommunication is important. Having sit-down chats to decide how to handle parenting tasks can be super helpful and prevent arguments.
在诱人的同时，用枕头撞上伴侣在深夜醒来。
侯赛因说：“我确实认为将其放大很重要。”“我认为我们可能会假设另一个人会读我们的思想。”她说，有一个计划，但也很灵活，因为并非每种情况都是可以预见的。
For example, Husain says her baby was born while she was completing her residency, which meant she was often on call as a doctor. “My husband would sleep closer to the baby’s crib when I was on call,” she says. “That way, he would wake up first and take care of her.”
侯赛因说，在母乳喂养时，她经常感到绑在椅子上，尤其是当婴儿经常经常出现增长和护理时。在那段时间里，对她来说，丈夫会接管她不可能的职责对她来说很重要。
She also suggests working moms who pump ask their partners to take care of washing the pump parts, since pumping itself can be stressful and take time from her busy day — that’s one related task a partner can take over to ease her load.
“重要的是要互相照顾，尽力而为。这样看。”罗斯说。“您不仅要分裂琐事。将其视为“我们在一起。’”
Not only does your time together change once you have children, your time on your own tends to as well. In fact, you might not haveany。
But Ross says it’s important to ask each other for the time you need to take care of yourself and to help give it to each other.
“It’s okay to want time to yourself, to go to the gym or see friends or just to go get your nails done,” says Ross. “New parents should add a category to the conversation: ‘How are we going to have self-care? How are we each going to take care of ourselves?’”
That break and time to feel more like your pre-baby self can go a long way in making you good partners and good parents.
罗斯说，您可能会发现您和您的伴侣的父母不同，没关系。您可以谈论任何重大分歧，并决定如何团队合作，无论是在某个问题上找到妥协，采用一个父母的方法，还是尊重同意不同意。
If the difference is something small, you might want to just let it go.
“There’s a common situation where women want their partner to do more but micromanage and don’t give them the space to do it,” says Ross. “If you want to co-parent, let each other do things and don’t micromanage.
Maybe there are certain things you can’t stand having done a certain way and talk about those but focus on letting go of the things youcanstand. When the other parent is on, it’s their parenting time.”
Despite all the tough hits a relationship can take after having a child, many people report their bond becoming stronger and deeper. After all, you’re not just a pair, you’re afamily现在，如果您可以解决粗糙的事情，那么您将建立坚实的基础，以帮助您度过父母的起伏。
邓恩说：“一旦我们实施了新的系统（还包括一个无聊但必不可少的每周入住会议），我们的关系变得更加牢固。”
“We are united in our love for our daughter, which adds a whole new dimension to our relationship. And we became better at time management and ruthlessly edited out things that were draining us. There’s a reason why people say that having kids was the best thing they ever did!”